


My rose-coloured boy

by forabeatofadrum (maanorchidee)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Between Seasons/Series, Kinda, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Sadness, Seeking reconnection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29162214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maanorchidee/pseuds/forabeatofadrum
Summary: Simon’s asleep. Baz finally has time to look at him.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 19





	My rose-coloured boy

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place somewhere before Wayward Son. It’s clear that somewhere between the books, Simon started shutting down, so I imagine this is, like, a month after Simon started avoiding him and intimacy. It’s just a little prompt idea that popped into my mind. The title is once again from the song Rose-Colored Boy by Paramore.

Being with Simon Snow is like looking at the sun. That hasn’t changed. I’ve always known that, but I didn’t know what it meant. I thought that Snow was something so wonderful and powerful that looking at it would just fill you with amazement and serenity. Instead, looking at Snow is squinting your eyes because it hurts to look at it as a whole.

He’s still the sun, but he’s the one who’s crashing.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. You cannot _not_ love a star so bright as Snow, even when that star isn’t as amazing as you thought it was. I love him. I’ve loved him through worse. I’ll continue to love him.

I see him lying on the sofa. He’s asleep but the TV is still on in the background. I grab a remote to turn it off.

When he’s asleep, he looks so peaceful. It reminds me of our Watford days. Sometimes he’d come back from a mission with The Mage. He’d be so exhausted and spent, he’d fall asleep the moment his body touched the soft mattress.

I used to watch him like I’m watching him now. I used to fight the urge to reach out and touch him like I am doing now.

I kneel next to the sofa to take a closer look, because I really am that shameless. This has been happening more often. One time, Penny walked in while I was simply admiring Snow and she gave me an amused but sad look. She lives with him. Of course she’s noticed the changes too, but she also doesn’t talk about it. 

I just want to see him. I want to remind myself that he’s real and still here, even though lately he’s been acting like he isn’t here. My hand itches to reach out, to just touch his hand or to brush his curls out of his face. If I were really bold, I’d kiss him on the cheek. 

As expected, dating Snow isn’t the erotic gropefest I always imagined it would be. (Well, it was.) (When everything was still fresh and new and Snow had just moved into this flat, it was.) (Then, it went wrong.) I try to be okay with that. My delusional fifth year fantasies were nothing more than that: fantasies. 

He’s so beautiful and my hand instinctively reaches closer to his. His hand is hanging of the sofa, since he fell asleep in this position. I let my fingertips brush against his and then immediately feel guilty. Snow’s made it pretty clear that he does not want me to be around him. The other day, I grabbed his shoulder to ask him something and I was afraid he was going to burn me at a stake. He apologised afterwards, but it happened. 

One time, I tried making him explain, but he can’t. Strangely enough, I think that’s the only part that I can understand. It’d be hypocritical of me to be mad at Snow for not sharing, since I do the same thing. I’ve never even told him that I love him. I’m pretty certain it’ll scare him off.

It’s always been difficult for us to talk, but in the past few weeks, it’s gotten way worse. I can’t reach him. Merlin, I don’t think _Penny_ can reach him. 

I watch him from afar. I listen to him breathe. I try not to feel guilty about it.

Time passes. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, just looking at him. Every time I do so, I lose track of time. Can you blame me? 

After a while, Snow slowly starts to move. Before I have the time to get up and move away, he opens his eyes. 

I’m caught in the act.

“Whaaaaa,” he mumbles. He’s only half-awake. 

It’s like I’m frozen in place. I need to get up to save face, but I see the look in Snow’s eyes and I can’t. He’s not awake yet. He still looks so peaceful and content. I know that the moment he fully wakes up, his eyes will go empty again. For now, I am enjoying this small glimpse of a better life.

“Hello, Snow,” I say softly.

His eyes close again.

“What’s going on?” he asks and he yawns. He blinks a couple of times to get the sleep out of his eyes. It’s almost over. Please Merlin and Morgana, let him be sleepy for a little bit longer. Let me have this for a few more seconds.

“You fell asleep,” I answer. 

I can see the exact moment he realises what is going on. He sees me sitting in front of him, closer than before. He tries to back away. He pulls back his hand so that it’s no longer hanging over the sofa, close to mine.

“Oh,” he says coldly. 

_Please come back to me_ , I think desperately. It’s on the tip of my tongue. _Please_ , _Simon_ , _please_.

Instead, I quickly get up, since his discomfort with me being there is too apparent. I brush off my pants and say: “Well, I’m gonna make some tea. Want some?”

He doesn’t really react. He shrugs and looks away. I walk away to the kitchen. Once I’m certain he doesn’t see me, I let out a sad, long sigh. Back to square one.


End file.
